SUMMER!
alright finally! its summer. i've graduated. life seems to be taking a path that isnt as stressful as the last 4 years of my life. I remember hearing all the time that highschool was supposed to be the best 4 years of your life but now all i hear is how college is going to the the best x amount of years of my life. im pretty sure im going to try and make college as fun as possible! im excited. im moving 14 hours away! so thats exciting. i havnt moved once...okay once...in my entire life! thats what makes this whole thing great. everyone in mississippi is so accepting of people. i've never seen anyone be rude. although ive only been there for like..10 days total. either way im ready to make new friends and start saving the world!!!

Long Time Gone

Long Time Gone

alright so i've been neglecting writing on this blog...
buutttt... since i got my new laptop i should get back into the swing of things.

i dont know why but using a laptop makes me feel like
i'm more likely to do things. like..i can be anywhere i want.
im not confined to sitting at my desk and typing on that stupid
keyboard.

HEAT WAVE!!!
so i wake up today and go to the kitchen...start eating some breakfast...then all the sudden i look at the temperature outside...EIGHTY DEGREES! 80!!! in march! sweet jesus. i'm happy and...worried at the same time. is this a sign for a DEVASTATINGLY hot summer to come? either way i think its time to pull out the shorts! :)

IVE FOUND A POSSIBLE ANSWER
so i have these intense mood swings right? right. well i've always thought nothing of it until latley. when other people have been noticing it aswell. i think i might have bipolar disorder. im way to afraid to confront my dad about that. he always said he never believed my mom, because she had it. he says its an excuse for people who cant deal with their simple lives and make things more complicated then they are. but..i ask myself..am i trying to make things more complicated? am i trying to be stressed out? do i try to change my mood all the sudden? no. isnt that a disorder then? if i cant control it then i need an outside source or substance to help requlate it so i can get a better hold on life. idk. i might confront my dad about the issue before college. i mean..i would really like to be as stable as possible in college.

the whole thing is frustrating. why do i feel like i have all these problems?! more problems then the average kid. i try not to let it get to me. i try not to complain i REALLY do. but..sometimes..i do complain. sometimes...i do wanna take an easy route out of all this. but i wont. i have to be strong..i have people rooting for me! i have people who want to see me succeed. and if there is one thing i wont do, its to let those who wish to see me fail smile with satisfaction.

IVE BEEN THINKING BOUT HOW YOU SAY MY NAME
so britney is sorta back. for a brief 30 minute moment in time. she was on that show how i met your mother. i watched it. it was actually very good. idk what it is about that girl but i just want so much for her. its not even about her music anymore..its about her health and her future. i want her to be a happy person. i feel that deep down she is so lost and she just wants to find happiness so bad. but being the person she is its probably very hard to find honest people who want whats best for you. shes probably gone through life believing that she can trust all these people that are so close to her, but then something happens and all the sudden she realizes what is going on. how do you keep sane in a situation like that. you feel like the ENTIRE world is against you. i mean kids in high school might think they have no friends at school and that no one at school likes them...imagine that feeling, but imagine your school being the ENTIRE world. and imagine having your every single move watched and photographed. imagine your every single mistake posted on the cover of every tabloid magazine at your local convenience store.

think about it.
could you have handled it?

OUTCAST
ASK ME AGAIN!
ask me the question again.
ask me if im gay.

YOU ARNT GAY!

yes i AM!
you know it!
i see how you look at me and i know you know.
i see how you treated me and i see how you
treated kevin. because he was the real son,
and i was different. and as hard as you've
tried to stamp it out and ignore it,
IVE TRIED HARDER! ive tried harder then you
to be quiet and to forget it and to not bother
my family with my problems. i cant try anymore.
it hurts. i'm sorry dad.

sometimes i just have days in which i remember a day in july. its not something i want to remember. its something i wish i could forget for the rest of my life. i try and say that it makes me stronger as a person to say that i've faced my fear. but in reality, i havnt. maybe this is normal. maybe i'm always gonna feel like an outcast. maybe whenever im in a crowd of people ill always feel as though everyone is judging me and that ill never be like them. maybe i just have to get over that fact. but the thing is, as hard as i try, i truly cant seem to move past that. is it because i see being gay as a horrible thing. infact im the exactly like the people i hate for judging me. night after night i push certain thoughts in the back of my mind. ive tried getting help. it dosnt work. it didnt work. so for now i just have to remain strong. I KNOW I CAN PULL THROUGH THIS. i know there are much worse things in life. i cant help but to think of how easy it would be if i wasnt who i am. girl, boys, even my managers comment on how if i was straight i could get so many girls. this fact simply makes everything even harder. knowing that there is a clear and easy route that i could take makes taking the harder route seem foolish. but how can i travel down a road in which the weather will always be miserable. dont i deserve to take the road lined with palm trees in which the sun shines all the time?

sometimes i just want sympathy.
i want someone to say Kraig:
"youre the bravest person i know.
i can't imagine the
strength it takes to walk in your
shoes daily, and i know that in life
you stand out and youre always
gonna stand out."

maybe i complain to much. but fuck it, ill challenge anyone to live the life i've had and never have a day in which they dont feel like smiling.

PARTY WITH MYSELF
this song always makes me so happy. i dont know what it is about fast beats and synths that loop endlessly over and over again that makes me so excited. i feel like i NEED to be at a club in order to even listen to this song. i dont think anyone could hear this song and not even make a single movement, maybe a toe tap, or a head bob. whether or not you like techno or hard beats, this song is catchy on so many levels. the video is freakin awesome too. its like these girls getting ready for the club and these guys are getting ready too. and the club looks like the shit. anyways. im excited because after today it will only be 1 day until i have to drive all the way down to mississippi! but i get to see kevin so i'm very excited. i REALLY wanted to stop off and see shelbs in georgia but now thats out of the question because i have lydia with me. hm. I took a nap today. it was awesome. i cant really get much sleep latley since im so excited about this trip. its where im going to be living for the next 4 years...so i hope i like it!!!