OUTCAST
ASK ME AGAIN!
ask me the question again.
ask me if im gay.

YOU ARNT GAY!

yes i AM!
you know it!
i see how you look at me and i know you know.
i see how you treated me and i see how you
treated kevin. because he was the real son,
and i was different. and as hard as you've
tried to stamp it out and ignore it,
IVE TRIED HARDER! ive tried harder then you
to be quiet and to forget it and to not bother
my family with my problems. i cant try anymore.
it hurts. i'm sorry dad.

sometimes i just have days in which i remember a day in july. its not something i want to remember. its something i wish i could forget for the rest of my life. i try and say that it makes me stronger as a person to say that i've faced my fear. but in reality, i havnt. maybe this is normal. maybe i'm always gonna feel like an outcast. maybe whenever im in a crowd of people ill always feel as though everyone is judging me and that ill never be like them. maybe i just have to get over that fact. but the thing is, as hard as i try, i truly cant seem to move past that. is it because i see being gay as a horrible thing. infact im the exactly like the people i hate for judging me. night after night i push certain thoughts in the back of my mind. ive tried getting help. it dosnt work. it didnt work. so for now i just have to remain strong. I KNOW I CAN PULL THROUGH THIS. i know there are much worse things in life. i cant help but to think of how easy it would be if i wasnt who i am. girl, boys, even my managers comment on how if i was straight i could get so many girls. this fact simply makes everything even harder. knowing that there is a clear and easy route that i could take makes taking the harder route seem foolish. but how can i travel down a road in which the weather will always be miserable. dont i deserve to take the road lined with palm trees in which the sun shines all the time?

sometimes i just want sympathy.
i want someone to say Kraig:
"youre the bravest person i know.
i can't imagine the
strength it takes to walk in your
shoes daily, and i know that in life
you stand out and youre always
gonna stand out."

maybe i complain to much. but fuck it, ill challenge anyone to live the life i've had and never have a day in which they dont feel like smiling.