HEAT WAVE!!!
so i wake up today and go to the kitchen...start eating some breakfast...then all the sudden i look at the temperature outside...EIGHTY DEGREES! 80!!! in march! sweet jesus. i'm happy and...worried at the same time. is this a sign for a DEVASTATINGLY hot summer to come? either way i think its time to pull out the shorts! :)

IVE FOUND A POSSIBLE ANSWER
so i have these intense mood swings right? right. well i've always thought nothing of it until latley. when other people have been noticing it aswell. i think i might have bipolar disorder. im way to afraid to confront my dad about that. he always said he never believed my mom, because she had it. he says its an excuse for people who cant deal with their simple lives and make things more complicated then they are. but..i ask myself..am i trying to make things more complicated? am i trying to be stressed out? do i try to change my mood all the sudden? no. isnt that a disorder then? if i cant control it then i need an outside source or substance to help requlate it so i can get a better hold on life. idk. i might confront my dad about the issue before college. i mean..i would really like to be as stable as possible in college.

the whole thing is frustrating. why do i feel like i have all these problems?! more problems then the average kid. i try not to let it get to me. i try not to complain i REALLY do. but..sometimes..i do complain. sometimes...i do wanna take an easy route out of all this. but i wont. i have to be strong..i have people rooting for me! i have people who want to see me succeed. and if there is one thing i wont do, its to let those who wish to see me fail smile with satisfaction.

IVE BEEN THINKING BOUT HOW YOU SAY MY NAME
so britney is sorta back. for a brief 30 minute moment in time. she was on that show how i met your mother. i watched it. it was actually very good. idk what it is about that girl but i just want so much for her. its not even about her music anymore..its about her health and her future. i want her to be a happy person. i feel that deep down she is so lost and she just wants to find happiness so bad. but being the person she is its probably very hard to find honest people who want whats best for you. shes probably gone through life believing that she can trust all these people that are so close to her, but then something happens and all the sudden she realizes what is going on. how do you keep sane in a situation like that. you feel like the ENTIRE world is against you. i mean kids in high school might think they have no friends at school and that no one at school likes them...imagine that feeling, but imagine your school being the ENTIRE world. and imagine having your every single move watched and photographed. imagine your every single mistake posted on the cover of every tabloid magazine at your local convenience store.

think about it.
could you have handled it?

OUTCAST
ASK ME AGAIN!
ask me the question again.
ask me if im gay.

YOU ARNT GAY!

yes i AM!
you know it!
i see how you look at me and i know you know.
i see how you treated me and i see how you
treated kevin. because he was the real son,
and i was different. and as hard as you've
tried to stamp it out and ignore it,
IVE TRIED HARDER! ive tried harder then you
to be quiet and to forget it and to not bother
my family with my problems. i cant try anymore.
it hurts. i'm sorry dad.

sometimes i just have days in which i remember a day in july. its not something i want to remember. its something i wish i could forget for the rest of my life. i try and say that it makes me stronger as a person to say that i've faced my fear. but in reality, i havnt. maybe this is normal. maybe i'm always gonna feel like an outcast. maybe whenever im in a crowd of people ill always feel as though everyone is judging me and that ill never be like them. maybe i just have to get over that fact. but the thing is, as hard as i try, i truly cant seem to move past that. is it because i see being gay as a horrible thing. infact im the exactly like the people i hate for judging me. night after night i push certain thoughts in the back of my mind. ive tried getting help. it dosnt work. it didnt work. so for now i just have to remain strong. I KNOW I CAN PULL THROUGH THIS. i know there are much worse things in life. i cant help but to think of how easy it would be if i wasnt who i am. girl, boys, even my managers comment on how if i was straight i could get so many girls. this fact simply makes everything even harder. knowing that there is a clear and easy route that i could take makes taking the harder route seem foolish. but how can i travel down a road in which the weather will always be miserable. dont i deserve to take the road lined with palm trees in which the sun shines all the time?

sometimes i just want sympathy.
i want someone to say Kraig:
"youre the bravest person i know.
i can't imagine the
strength it takes to walk in your
shoes daily, and i know that in life
you stand out and youre always
gonna stand out."

maybe i complain to much. but fuck it, ill challenge anyone to live the life i've had and never have a day in which they dont feel like smiling.

PARTY WITH MYSELF
this song always makes me so happy. i dont know what it is about fast beats and synths that loop endlessly over and over again that makes me so excited. i feel like i NEED to be at a club in order to even listen to this song. i dont think anyone could hear this song and not even make a single movement, maybe a toe tap, or a head bob. whether or not you like techno or hard beats, this song is catchy on so many levels. the video is freakin awesome too. its like these girls getting ready for the club and these guys are getting ready too. and the club looks like the shit. anyways. im excited because after today it will only be 1 day until i have to drive all the way down to mississippi! but i get to see kevin so i'm very excited. i REALLY wanted to stop off and see shelbs in georgia but now thats out of the question because i have lydia with me. hm. I took a nap today. it was awesome. i cant really get much sleep latley since im so excited about this trip. its where im going to be living for the next 4 years...so i hope i like it!!!

I'TS BEEN A COUPLE MONTHS
so its been a while since ive actually seen the sun set. you know i often think its amazing how we take so many things that mother nature grants to us for granted. most people dont even think about how gorgeous the sunrise is or how the sounds of a simple stream running through a forest can be the most simple and serene of sounds. I realized this as i was working today, wondering how the weather was outside. wondering how everyone was doing and what they were doing, and if they were outside taking advantage of the weather. It also makes me feel really old. like where has the time gone? wasnt i just outside with my brother playing on the swing set and having a competition so see who could jump the farthest. where did those days go? now i just feel as though my days speed by. i feel like im doing so much but getting nothing out of it. maybe im just to wrapped up in my own life to stop and take the time to look around and notice that the world isnt spinning as fast as i think it to be. maybe its time for me to rethink some things. almost like...spring cleaning.

PERFECT DAY FOR A PORCH SWING
so today's weather was pretty amazing. i didnt get to experience it though because i was working in that hell hole that everyone calls hollister. i hate it. i dont even get paid that much. 6.50? whats that? i cant support myself with that. anyway. tomorrow will be good. i'm meeting with nicole for lunch. i havnt seen her since christmas! oh christmas. that was an interesting time. back on topic..Spring time is almost here and i could feel it so much today! it was amazing. in psychology we went outside and wrapped mhairi in mrs.singhs scarf thing and made her look like a muslim ran over to the kiddy hawks window and peaked our heads in a screamed. it was childish. but i had fun. we ran away from singh. she wouldnt chase us though. maybe one day she will.

THE SPRING BREAK ROAD TRIP
so it looks like ill be going to down to USM for spring break. im super excited. my dad has completely said a full "yes" yet but ive got high hopes. i really want to go down and see first hand what the campus looks like. ive looked at pictures online and they are so beautiful. but pictures online can be very biased. my dad dosnt think that i can make the 12 hour trip down there. little does he know. all i need is the money to do it. and i get paid next friday so im hoping that by then ill have at least 200 plus whatever money he gives me to get down there and back. plus he can always put money on my card if i need it because i cant get back. someone will probably pay for most of my expenses anyway. which is always nice since im broke as crap. even though i spent all my money on the person that will probably be paying those expenses anyway. it sound promising. and i hope its a lot of fun. if it isnt, i'm sure that ill make it fun.

THE END OF HIGH SCHOOL
so my last summer is almost here. its sorta sad in a way.
No more:
-AP summer assignments
-worrying about what to wear on the first day of class
-worrying about where to sit at lunch
-catching up with friends and their summers
-saying hi to teachers from last year
-senior courtyard
-being the big dawgs
-pep rallies
-spirit days
-dodging the people you hate
-smiling and hugging the people you love
-waiting in endless lines for lunch
-chilling in the marketplace after school
-hanging out with shelbey in the morning
-waking up at 6am
-crazy weekend parties
-complaining about teachers at lunch

the list goes on and on. suprisingly enough, im pretty sure ill miss every single thing on that list. its really sad to think that ill never walk the halls of brooke point again as a student. Hopefully i made my mark, and created a name that when people mention me they wont say "oh what a jerk" but they will say "oh he was funny". either way, just having people talk about me when im gone will be good enough.

CHRIS CROCKER
so i used to hate chris crocker. but now ever since i started to actually give his videos a chance, i realize that this guy isnt as bad as i thought he was. i only judged him because i saw him as "overly gay" and "flamboyant" but now i see him as this dimensional funny guy. i mean, granted, he is super gay, but i find that i judged him far to soon. maybe i do this all to often. i find myself judging others before i even know them based on stereotypes or experiences with people of the same type that i've had in the past. you cant say that this is unhuman of me to do. i believe that everyone does it to an extent. but i think now that i realize that i do this i can stop, and make more friends.

ACADEMIC EXCELLENCE AWARD
alright, so i go check the mail today and it turns out i got a letter from USM which stated the following:

"Congratulations! You have been awarded a $3,000 Academic Excellence Award.
This scholarship has been awarded to you because of you academic achievement
as evidenced by your standardized test results and grade point average. This
scholarship is payable over four years (fall and spring semesters, excluding
summers);and if you are a non-resident of Mississippi, the Academic
Excellence Award also carrie swith it a full waiver of your out-of-state fees"

so thats freaking amazing. you have no idea how happy i was to recieve this letter in the mail! seems like things are finally starting to go in my direction!

HATTIESBURG, MISSISSIPPI.
so it looks like hattiesburg is going to be my new home. i'm really excited to get out of this town and do something with my life. even if that means endless parties and pulling all nighters because i have an environmental biology exam the following morning. thats the college life right? sounds good to me! now i just have to figure out how i'm going to pay for it. i've been applying for scholarships left and right. hopefully my luck will pull through and ill get at least $500. i dont want to be paying off student loans for the rest of my life!